
I've been chatting to a few loved ones lately about forgiveness.
Some find it hard to forgive those who have hurt them deeply, others find it hard to forgive themselves. I've fallen into both categories through my life, but I recently read something so beautiful, so profound, that my way of understanding God's forgiveness has completely changed for the better.
Many years ago I just could not let go of my self-loathing. I would confess my sins, trust that God had forgiven me for the next day or so, but then I would revisit the guilt/shame and go through the cycle of repentance, confession/forgiveness all over again. I just couldn't grasp the truth of when God says "You are forgiven, the slate has been wiped clean, I no longer remember your sin", that He actually MEANS it!
Then two things happened. The first was a reading from 2 Corinthians 10:5 -
~~casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ~~
As I read those words one morning
it hit me like a lightning strike - every time I brought my forgiven sins before God
again I was saying that I did not believe His promise to forgive, I was exalting my own faulty beliefs above the perfect knowledge of God! Wow - that totally floored me. Then later that week the second thing happened to rock my understanding.
I had a dream. I was standing by the shores of a great lake, and in a bucket beside me were my sins. As I took a sin from the bucket I would confess it, repent of it, and throw it into the lake hoping God had taken it and it was no more. When the bucket was empty I bent over and picked up a fishing rod. Casting this out into the depths of the wide expanse of the lake (God's forgiveness) I would hook the forgiven sins, and one by one reel them in and place them back in the bucket. When the bucket was full I would start all over again.
I knew when I awoke that God was showing me the only person not forgiving me, was me.
Those two revelations (about 8 years ago) completely changed my heart and I have never doubted God's forgiveness since. But many people still do. I used to want God to punish me, to make me physically pay for what I'd done against Him - I was a victim of domestic violence for much of my life as a child and in the 10 years of my previous marriage, so I accepted physical punishment as a norm.
My second husband (of 17 years) is the most gentle man and has never lifted a finger against me, but it took me so many years to understand that violence was not the answer to wrongdoing - and yesterday I read something beautiful from St Maximus the Confessor that explained God's forgiveness in a profoundly comforting and life-giving manner:
Again, he told of how that Father, who is goodness itself, was moved with pity for his profligate son who returned and made amends by repentance; how he embraced him, dressed him once more in the fine garments that befitted his own dignity, and did not reproach him for any of his sins.
So too, when he found wandering in the mountains and hills the one sheep that had strayed from God’s flock of a hundred, he brought it back to the fold, but he did not exhaust it by driving it ahead of him. Instead, he placed it on his own shoulders and so, compassionately, he restored it safely to the flock.
(Saint Maximus wrote this reflection around the year 650AD - you can read the entire letter here )
Is that not truly beautiful!! The Good Shepherd did not drive the lost sheep ahead of Him with anger or rebuke - His compassion is such that he lifted it and carried it safely and lovingly back to the sanctuary of the sheepfold.
Truly, our God has many lessons to teach us, and we will need another lifetime to learn even a small portion, but when we make our mistakes He is waiting to forgive, waiting to embrace, waiting to restore - EVERY time.
Are you like God when you forgive? Am I? Or do you/I like to make the culprit feel our pain, over and over?
If you are like I was I hope these few words help you to unburden yourself of incorrect thinking and allow you to experience for real the 'easy yoke' our Lord promises. I understand better, too, the Scripture where Paul exhorts fathers not to exasperate their children - how easy it is to go on and on at our children when they fall short of doing what is right. Yet, when we continue to wave their sins in front of them it is we who now sin, we who have chosen to exalt ourselves higher than God. It is important for our own souls that when we forgive, we TRULY forgive...it is the least we can do after the enormity of sin Jesus carried of ours and took the blows and death for.
To forgive is life-giving to the one at fault, but also to us. To forgive self is to allow the new day to dawn bright and hopeful, the slate clean and fresh. Yes, forgiveness in all it's examples is LIFE.
Bless you!
Jenny